As a licensed mental health counselor with 20+ years of experience working with kids in schools, mental health clinics and private practice, and the mom of two teens, Janine Halloran knows how to talk to kids. 

A podcast host, speaker and the author of several books, including the “Coping Skills for Kids Workbook,” the “Coping Skills for Teens Workbook” and the “Social Skills for Kids Workbook,” Janine teaches kids of all ages healthy ways to cope with big feelings. She recently joined Cartwheel for a webinar to help parents and caregivers figure out what coping skills are best for their kids.

Here are key steps you can take in your own home to promote more peace and patience (with fewer arguments!):

Share Your Calm

“Every kid has feelings, and every kid will have some tough moments. But when we have strategies set up, it’s a little bit easier,” Janine shared. 

As a counselor, she hears first hand what’s bothering young people, from exams to homework and conflicts with siblings and peers. “I like to hear what [kids] have to say, because they're the ones who are really going through this—they’re the experts on themselves,” she shared. 

We want our children to be resilient, and we want them to cope in a healthy way. But as adults, we can’t do that in the middle of a meltdown, or if we’re not calm ourselves, Janine shared. Instead, we need to connect and co-regulate so kids feel, seen, heard and understood. “Then we can teach them coping skills.”

Janine describes the optimal window of tolerance as a rainbow, and it’s not just for kids. “We also have a rainbow ourselves. Sometimes we are having a hard time, and we are in extreme distress [in one of the storm clouds], and we need to get ourselves back into that optimal window of tolerance as well [the rainbow]. What it comes down to is that co-regulation is really us sharing our calm.”

Building a Strong Relationship

Co-regulation is when two individuals are in sync and can help regulate each other—either calming or engaging one another as needed.

"We want kids to feel connected to us, we want kids to have fun with us, we want them to understand that we see them. There's no, ‘We need to talk about your behavior.’ This is plain and simple connection, just hanging out and having a good time together."

Ideas for kids

• Start a garden
• Play a board game or a video game
• Go for a walk 
• Bake
• Listen to a podcast or audiobook

Ideas for teens

• Watch a show together
• Build together – Legos or woodwork
• Have them show you how to play a game
• Go out for a tea or coffee
• Go for a drive and explore a new place

“When you build a positive foundation, it is easier to talk about the tough stuff later … when there is genuine love and respect and support. Then, when something does not go well, they feel like it's easier to then talk with you.”

Create a Safe, Structured, Environment

“Structure doesn't mean that everything has to be the same all the time, because that is not really possible in modern life. Instead, what we should be aiming for is having some sort of structure, and then being able to be flexible about it,” Janine shared. 

Kids want predictability, and predictability is so helpful in co-regulation, she added, which is why she encourages families to create their own set of rules around acceptable behavior and household responsibilities like chores. 

“I really like using visuals, because I think it can be super helpful to have reminders with a to-do column and a done column,” she shared. This might be a laminated list on the fridge where kids can move a magnet or sticky from one column to the other before school and after dinner.   

“Kids can know what to expect, know what's coming next, and you're not saying the same thing over and over again. Creating that safe, structured, predictable environment that kids can feel part of, that's part of co-regulation, too.”

Coping Skills for Everyday

"I like to think about being the thermostat, and not the thermometer in the house. I want to set the temperature. I want to be the calm—I don't want to go up and down as a child goes up and down.”

Remembering to "be the thermostat" and set the temperature in the house is just one of many coping skills Janine recommends to deal with big feelings and challenging situations.  

Not all coping skills are good skills, however. Sometimes kids get angry, sometimes they push and yell. “I try to talk with kids to figure out healthy and safe strategies that will work for them— and it's different for everybody. I want them to know that it is okay to feel. It is okay for you to be mad. It is okay for you to be frustrated,” she shared. 

“Anger is a feeling that can lead to some positive change. When people get angry about something they want, they end up wanting to change something, and that can cause some really powerful movements to occur. So it's okay. It's what you do with that anger that matters.”

Name it to Tame It

In their book “The Whole-Brain Child,” Drs Dan Siegal and Tina Payne Bryson talk about the power of being able to name your emotion to help you self regulate. Little kids can start with the basics—sad, mad, angry. The vocabulary can expand as they get older. “Labelling our feelings makes it so much easier to self-regulate.” 

Deep Breathing

“I sometimes say, ‘slow your breathing down’ instead of deep breathing, because I think kids feel like they need to do a really big, huge gasp of air, and then they're not really sure where what to do with it,” Janine said. She asks kids to imagine blowing gently on a cup of hot cocoa, or a short breath in and a longer breath out.

Grounding Exercises

Grounding is really about staying in the present moment. “If kids are panicking, if they are having really big feelings, if things are feeling really overwhelming for them, I think it can be helpful to try and stay in the present,” she said. 

Rainbow Grounding can be helpful for elementary and middle schoolers. It’s as simple as taking a big, deep breath and looking for two things that are red, then two things that are orange, two things that are yellow, and so on. For teens, Janine recommends 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Grounding: starting with a deep breath, look around and name five things you can see, then four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste.

Click the links for free, downloadable visuals of the Rainbow Grounding and 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding techniques. 

Create Your Calm-Down Toolkit

Pick three to five activities that help de-escalate big feelings for your kids and put them in a container. That might be Lego, or Play-Doh, or coloring books—if it helps create calm, it goes in the toolkit, which lives in an accessible place so kids can easily utilize them. Your toolkit might even be a special “zen” area, where kids can go to calm down on their own. 

“One of my favorite things about being a counselor, about being a teacher and an educator and  a parent, is really the opportunity to connect with kids,” Janine said. “I want to remind you that to share our calm, not join their chaos, we also need to be able to take care of ourselves.

“I encourage you to take a few minutes, and for yourself honestly think about one thing that you can do. That is a strategy that you can use and do it. Put it on your schedule.   

“It is a marathon, not a sprint,” Janine shared. It takes time for kids to learn these strategies, even if it feels like two steps forward, one step back for us as adults. “Don’t give up—do what you need to do, use the visuals and keep practicing. You’ve got this.” 

If you or someone you love is experiencing feelings of hopelessness or dealing with thoughts about suicide, there are free resources to help. Call or text 988 or text TALK to 741741 to reach free, 24/7 support.